Why do we hold on?

Oh how this question seems to never go away from us sometimes? We tend to “hold on” to the past as for fear of the future, feeling like we cannot move on, regret, maybe wanting to go back to a behavior that is something you desire. In actuality it is the worst thing to do to ourselves by holding on. Now this is in regards to a bad relationship, a behavior that seemed “like fun” but caused such pain and anguish. In other words, sinful behavior. When it comes to losing someone to death, that is something else, please do not put that in this category, how and why they died. I would like to discuss that on my blog in the near future as it has affected me too.

But back to basics, today I was haunted by innocent words from my daughter in the past, “Mom why couldn’t you marry him instead of this guy?” Well, I was somewhat engaged to a con artist at the time (little did I know). But I had just found out some things about this person. It was taken lightly to me which caused a future of pain. But that day when my youngest asked me that question, we met a friend of mine at a restaurant. He is a good man. We all chatted, it was good. My head was all over the place. But I could never tell anyone why it never worked with that good man there, it was we were great friends and I fell in love with him, his generous heart, sense of humor, etc. I never told him or my kids. But when I realized that my friendship was in trouble, meaning I wanted more, I needed to back off. No I never said a word. My fault. Who knows what God wanted. But I was also depressed after my mom’s death and lonely. And that is how my heart was open to Satan, not purposely but that devil took my heart and used the con artist to take away what I loved the most, my family and friends, next to God. I was basically looking above myself watching this happen and not able to change it. I was in motion and ould not stop it, I could not talk for myself, think for myself, or be myself. That is what happened. I felt like I was in slow motion. It was horrible.

So this afternoon I heard my daughter’s innocence in my head speaking to me. It made me feel like I let not only both my girl’s down but reminded me of letting him down too, my friend that is. Watch your hearts and guard them. The time we seem to suffer the most is when the Devil takes and destroys us all.

1 Timothy 4:16 NKJV “Take heed to yourself and the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you.” 

I know that passage is in reference to our Ministry gifts, however the words “TAKE HEED” kept coming to me in this blog. But those two words that are in the Bible sure have a huge affect on me today, “TAKE HEED”.

I think it is time to forgive myself fully instead of “holding on” to these bad memories to discourage me.


When They Were Little People

Today is considered “TBT” on social media, mainly Facebook. So I posted a picture of my girls “when they were little people”. These two kids had such character and fun! It is amazing how one little thing in life can change over a course of events. These two babies, to me that is, will always be one love in life. I know I did them wrong. I am not upset that I never met their father, just how things went about it. Maybe if I were a bit more mature, etc. However, I would not have those precious pictures of reminders of the fun we used to have, the travels we had, the love we used to share. Oh how time goes on. Remember to cherish every moment you have with your children. Once they get older, boom, it goes quick! They are now 20 & 22! They are no longer “little people”, they are “grown up young ladies”. So hard to believe. It is amazing though how many challenges, trials and tribulations they have gone through with flying colors. It probably didn’t feel like that for them but they came out swinging on top. I can’t imagine what God had in store for them!! To my ‘little people’ who are now ‘growing young ladies’, I am proud of all you have done and will do in our lives. God brought you to me for a reason and I am truly grateful for your lives and love. I love you forever and unconditionally like God does for us. This is for my baby girls!!


Helping Hands

I am currently working on my life story, in other words my memoir. It is bringing up so much good and bad memories. But the good ones are going to outlay the bad ones. The bad memories are those I have survived through. With writing this memoir it is reminding me of when I was young and people had those “Helping Hand” signs in their windows. We had that in Ohio, they were there in case you needed to get to safety.

I feel like that saying should go about today. “Helping Hands” can be defined in may areas. Such as homelessness, families in your communities and schools, church groups, shelters, and abused children. God has put this upon my heart to resolve in my life right now. Seeing my memoir get worked on, by me of course, the t-shirts hung in our campus student center with messages of domestic violence and assault against women. Just these ‘little things’ mean an entire world to me.

I encourage you to look up http://www.missingkids.com. That is the website for the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. I happened to have been on one of their milk cartons at one time in my life. If I knew how to add a picture to this besides up top, I would add this. If it was not for those ‘helping hands’ in my neighborhood and schools I would not be here today. I am truly grateful for that.



What I Am About Today

My fondest memory as a child would be spending time with my grandparents. I was so grateful to have these precious people in my life. I miss them both dearly. I wanted my daughter’s to feel the same way about their grandparents and they do. They were blessed. Not many can say that their grandma and grandpa let them have a sleepover. Or took them out to eat with their friends. It could be because of what my mom and grandparents went through when I was a missing child. I cannot imagine what they went through on this earth.

I am working on writing my book about it. It is just going to take time. I want it dedicated to my mom of course but also those children out there missing. I want others to get what happened in my life as an inspiration to either do more, from when I have not. Or to know they are not alone. That is also the aspect of my blogging. I am adding my spiritual side, my belief system to this. I personally find it rather helpful for me to depend on God.

Most people who know me know that I feel guilty for anything I have ever done wrong. I know to pray to God and ask forgiveness but others tend to remind me nearly daily of my many indiscretions. Yeah you do not need to do that because I already do. However, it could be the enemy slipping in to destroy me when I feel vulnerable the most. Then my confidence in myself, others, and Christ falls in a moments end. Again, this is why I feel the need to share. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! We all have fallen into the darkest of days and here we are on this earth just trying to live one moment at a time. We are all depending on God’s grace to get us through every moment. IT WORKS GREAT WITH GOD!!

I am truly grateful for my life. You will hear me say that all the time. How can I not be thankful to not have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, etc. You get my point, at least I hope. Try to find something everyday to be “grateful/thankful” for. If need be, start a journal of those things. You may begin with one thing or just one word, “trees”. Think about it. I may have been kidnapped by my father (the first man who married my mother, you’ll learn more in my blogs) but always found something to be grateful for. I was abused as a child and found something to be grateful for. I have been in really bad/unhealthy relationships and God helped me find great things to be happy for. It can happen and it may not be easy but it is so worth the wait for what GOD has in store for you and for me.

There are many days or moments I go through challenges that God has set for me. It is up to me sometimes to do the foot work. And yes God answers my prayers, my needs, continues to bless me but I need to walk the walk for Him as well. I suffer from depression and anxiety at times. The enemy wants me to hide out at home hidden away from people. But I manage by God’s grace. I watch myself at times with doorknobs and all. I do not like to use them but I pray about it and I am much better. I worked a job where I could not touch anything unless I had the plastic gloves on we had for patients. I took a leave of absence to get my mind straight. Of course there was more than that. But two years later here I am not so afraid. I do struggle at times but I pray and depend on God’s grace. I do the footwork, He gives me the blessings.

God put it upon my heart to share some of the things I have gone through. I am sure I will share more here on my blog. I have only done this for a couple of weeks now. It is really awesome to do this. I thank you for reading my blog and leave you with this.

Matthew 6:33   “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness; and all these things will be given to you as well.”



Tonight I leave you with this…

ROMANS 5:3-4 says, “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character;  and character, hope.” Think about how the rich man was with Lazarus. Father Abraham came to Lazarus. He was a faithful servant to God and he suffered as well. You can read along in Luke 16:19-31. There are many kinds of suffering in life, this is something that we each think about and give to God wholeheartedly. When this verse hit my eyes and lips tonight I felt the need to share it with you. I am a witness for sure in this case. But no matter what, when I slept outside in the rain at the train station upset at myself for making a dumb choice, I cried out to God and thanked Him. When I wasn’t sure what to do in my marriage once I thanked God for my beautiful girls. No car at times, brakes not working. It works best for me to thank Him up above for everything. Even if the day seems the most dark and sufferable day ever. You will find something. I know it!

End of a Season

Here we go saying goodbye to another season on this planet we call earth. Seasons come and seasons go. I really can never say which one I love the best. I feel as though I have been blessed by all one way or another. This summer end is different for me. As I go into my second semester at Waubonsee Community College as an older adult and do I mean older I am reminded of the love of my dear Grandma. My beautiful Grandma passed away suddenly this summer. It was just before the fall session started. One minute she was on facebook commenting and posting like she could and the next she was bed ridden and unable to speak. She had end stage renal failure. She passed at hime in her bed in her sleep basically. I think she did not want to fight. She had to bury my mom nearly 5 years next month. And she could not get herself to bury her son, my uncle about 3 years ago. I know God has plans for us on this earth but the enemy wants to destroy us with famine, disease, cancer, murder, bombings, etc. Parents tend to want their children to live. I will never understand what my dear Grandma went through all those years ago with my mom and uncle. I never buried a child and I pray I do not. But it seems as seasons change, school starts, ends, year changing, babies being born, a person passes this earth. A season changing.

Please feel free to read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. It sums up my seasons in a way. Life in general. May God Bless your weekend!!


So why do you have cable and never have time to watch tv? Why are you wasting money on a bill that is  better spent somewhere else? I love it when people say I need the internet. Okay, I get that. It is only cheaper if you have cable tv. But you also have to pay for the cable tv people! Think wisely upon your decisions. Yes, financially we waste money daily. Trust me, been there, done that, still suffering! On top of it the so-called programs are unhealthy for children. I thought Disney was good for my girls when they were young. But some of the young tv shows were more about your appearance than anything. How does that identify a young girl growing into a young woman? The language in shows also. We as parents and individuals need to be vigilantes with what we are presenting to our children. Are we reading the books we think are cute for them? Are we looking ahead of these programs they want to watch? Do we get busy and become lazy? Or just too busy because we join everything and everywhere that we forget to care for our own home environment? Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in this world!! I regret all my mistakes, daily! I wish I could go back and change from the beginning on but I can’t. I personally do not have cable. I do not even have regular tv to watch. Yes I have a tv just in case I want to watch a dvd but I haven’t in numerous months. I feel like there is just too much junk colliding up my mind. take time to do other things in your life to relax for once. Also, you just might be able to save a few bucks down the road. I may be part of this world but I am not allowing myself to be “in” it. I sometimes get my words and letters mixed up but the God made it clear.

My okay what do I do now….yep….

So there is a Professor at my school who apparently dislikes me. It is completely obvious. This afternoon I went to an Early Childhood Education Meeting. She is basically in charge. Any Teacher, Instructor or Professor is just an advisor. She did not want “select” students, like me be any part of the board. Even though she said, “all students are part of our committee and she would like class representatives which would be the rest of you.” In our group we have a wide range of ages and it’s awesome!! She just does not like me at all! I took one of her courses online over the summer. Never again! She even criticized how another Professor in our department was ‘in charge’ three years ago and ruined the whole thing. Basically once again the teacher’s are there as advisors. I am going to ask a couple of people I know and can trust at school tomorrow. This will then decide if I really want to be a part of that group fully. It was an odd experience. Even today the school had a “career fair”. I am not all that satisfied with it since you could not fit at least one Professor from each department to go over information for you. Yep, that’s my dilemma for tonight boys and girls.

We Need to Talk About Money: Seven Stories About Personal Finance

I found this very reassuring!!


I suppose it’s fitting to begin a piece about personal finance by talking about my own situation: I owe the IRS and the Comptroller of Maryland a substantial part of my tenuous savings. This is the first year I’ve owed more than I’ve expected.

When I first learned how much money I owed, I had a panic attack and vowed to never leave my apartment again. I eventually emerged, sodden and pathetic, from my blanket cocoon. I discovered no one was judging me for my unfortunate situation. One friend admitted that she, too, owed an inordinate, unforeseen amount to the IRS and turned to her parents for help.

This summer, I turned 26, which means—in the good ol’ US-of-A—I’m off my parents’ health insurance. Luckily, I qualify for free coverage. It’s a huge relief. I’m proud of myself for overcoming my anxiety about signing up in the first place. This is…

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What is Beauty?

What is beauty to you?  I feel that I can find beauty in many different areas of our lives. For example, this afternoon on campus I simply held the door open for someone right after me. This I would do no matter what. It just happened to be an older gentleman, as in the age of grandparents. He is an Irishman and had such beautiful quotes to share with me. I was not expecting a major thank you. I feel that we all should be kind and open doors, etc for anyone. Just basic kindness. He mentioned Emily Dickenson. She was a fabulous writer of poetry. I feel she was a fabulous artist and was just beautiful! This gentleman shared with me the beauty of words we can share with others. Our words can help us help one another, lead someone or just cheer them up! It is amazing what we can do with words to be beautiful. Over the weekend I did not use my words wisely and really hurt someone who loves and cares for me. These are things we need to think about with what we say. Remember  words can not be taken back. Use the beauty of words, whether it be poetry, a letter, a book, short story or song. It can be the most beautiful thing we share with one another.