I. Am. Alone.

Oh how I have felt so alone most of my life, not just my childhood but pretty much most my adult life. Yes, I have had many friends come and go. I have had family. I feel at times I do not. Yes, I have family out-of-state and it is hard to get together, that’s for sure. But the loss of my mom in October 2011 took my soul. I was home caring for her when she was on Hospice for 6 months. I will never ever forget those moments. I miss her dearly everyday, even 5 years later. I want her back in person to say, “Mom I am really sorry for all the mistakes and horrible things I have done my whole life and since you’ve been gone.” I was on the depression pole while my mom was sick. I did not want to see or deal with it. I had my mom to take care of and two teenage daughter’s at home. I had no idea how they were gonna deal with this. I noticed many changes in ALL of us at home towards the end and upon her death. I just couldn’t deal. I felt no reality and what do I do now with my pitiful life. I lived for my mom. Nothing wrong with caring and loving your parents but I tend to lose myself with others. Shortly after the New Year in 2012 I kept searching for love, even though I believed and loved God mind you. I was depressed and my anxiety level was way above the voltage rate. So, I got involved with the worst character ever. He was a con artist but I did not see or accept it when told. I was in a “dream world”. This so-called man was going to take me away from all my sadness at home and take care of me and my kids. Well, that never happened. He stole my sister’s cell phone, which was my fault. And my children’s and mine laptops. Oh how I wish I could fix everything. I just check wishing in my “imaginary world” things would change. I was sad, lost, and my soul had disappeared. My dad wanted me to do this and that to take care of it. Hey, I don’t blame him. I was in “la-la land”. Today I would be like, Hey, go, do that! But I failed and he kept trying to con me. This disgrace for a human being went on my Facebook and email accounts and accessed them. He was able to ask people for money and many other strange things. Sad thing is that I lost my so-called close friends due to them believing I was begging for money. I am not like that nor have I ever been. I hurt my dad and his family by saying on facebook things that were not nice when I thought this guy wanted to marry me. Hey, they were the one’s trying to save me and my kids. Where was my brain? I lost a family. It was an awful feeling and still is to this day. My daughter’s who I brag about never visit me or call me about anything. Oh unless it is about money or financial aid or just to complain about my being. I am not invited to anything for holiday’s or graduations. My oldest has never wanted me to visit her at college. Thank God I saw the campus before things ended up how they did. I celebrate no holidays. I am alone. I might get a text message for my birthday or maybe mother’s day. I have constantly said I was sorry ALL those years ago. The last years I give up. I have tried and my heart is hurt and saddened. You see I am the kind of person that does not need constant reminding of all her mistakes, etc. I know them, I remember them daily and I hurt constantly in my heart. I know all the people in my life will never forgive and forget. I need to accept that is between them, their heart, brain, soul, and God. I forgave myself and so did God. No one really needs to constantly share my skeletons, hey I know mine, thanks though. Right!? But I am always feeling alone. No one will ever comprehend that. I get that our children grow up in the world but I had respect for my mom b contacting her and going to her. No I was not perfect, trust me. But it is sad that my children will not have much parental units around as they age. I wanted more for them.