I. Am. Alone.

Oh how I have felt so alone most of my life, not just my childhood but pretty much most my adult life. Yes, I have had many friends come and go. I have had family. I feel at times I do not. Yes, I have family out-of-state and it is hard to get together, that’s for sure. But the loss of my mom in October 2011 took my soul. I was home caring for her when she was on Hospice for 6 months. I will never ever forget those moments. I miss her dearly everyday, even 5 years later. I want her back in person to say, “Mom I am really sorry for all the mistakes and horrible things I have done my whole life and since you’ve been gone.” I was on the depression pole while my mom was sick. I did not want to see or deal with it. I had my mom to take care of and two teenage daughter’s at home. I had no idea how they were gonna deal with this. I noticed many changes in ALL of us at home towards the end and upon her death. I just couldn’t deal. I felt no reality and what do I do now with my pitiful life. I lived for my mom. Nothing wrong with caring and loving your parents but I tend to lose myself with others. Shortly after the New Year in 2012 I kept searching for love, even though I believed and loved God mind you. I was depressed and my anxiety level was way above the voltage rate. So, I got involved with the worst character ever. He was a con artist but I did not see or accept it when told. I was in a “dream world”. This so-called man was going to take me away from all my sadness at home and take care of me and my kids. Well, that never happened. He stole my sister’s cell phone, which was my fault. And my children’s and mine laptops. Oh how I wish I could fix everything. I just check wishing in my “imaginary world” things would change. I was sad, lost, and my soul had disappeared. My dad wanted me to do this and that to take care of it. Hey, I don’t blame him. I was in “la-la land”. Today I would be like, Hey, go, do that! But I failed and he kept trying to con me. This disgrace for a human being went on my Facebook and email accounts and accessed them. He was able to ask people for money and many other strange things. Sad thing is that I lost my so-called close friends due to them believing I was begging for money. I am not like that nor have I ever been. I hurt my dad and his family by saying on facebook things that were not nice when I thought this guy wanted to marry me. Hey, they were the one’s trying to save me and my kids. Where was my brain? I lost a family. It was an awful feeling and still is to this day. My daughter’s who I brag about never visit me or call me about anything. Oh unless it is about money or financial aid or just to complain about my being. I am not invited to anything for holiday’s or graduations. My oldest has never wanted me to visit her at college. Thank God I saw the campus before things ended up how they did. I celebrate no holidays. I am alone. I might get a text message for my birthday or maybe mother’s day. I have constantly said I was sorry ALL those years ago. The last years I give up. I have tried and my heart is hurt and saddened. You see I am the kind of person that does not need constant reminding of all her mistakes, etc. I know them, I remember them daily and I hurt constantly in my heart. I know all the people in my life will never forgive and forget. I need to accept that is between them, their heart, brain, soul, and God. I forgave myself and so did God. No one really needs to constantly share my skeletons, hey I know mine, thanks though. Right!? But I am always feeling alone. No one will ever comprehend that. I get that our children grow up in the world but I had respect for my mom b contacting her and going to her. No I was not perfect, trust me. But it is sad that my children will not have much parental units around as they age. I wanted more for them.

Poetry-My Soul

Where oh where did my soul go? I feel lost and saddened. Like death appearing over me in darkness and pain. The light is shining up above but for many lightyears ahead of me. The dark pain feels like a knife running through my skin to my blood. The blood inside my body burns with a screaming pain. My bones are wanting to escape my body of suffering.

Red Flags with Jobs

In recent months my boyfriend has been searching for new employment. He works in the construction industry. More over with industrial and homes, such as mirrors, shower doors, electrical, carpentry, etc. He worked for a temp agency for a few months who claimed they have jobs for him. He of course kept in contact with them and I added to his resume the recent position held with their company working electrical for a storage unit. Okay, so no one replies. Even the company who hired this agency told him he was taking him and then they weren’t. Seriously people, don’t say it if you don’t mean it! Men and women are counting on a job to become permanent, etc. They are feeding themselves, paying rent/ mortgages, etc. So he ends up going on interviews, bam one after the other one with his resume. Okay, gets a call on a Friday and gets hired. Well, this company was going to start work either Monday or Tuesday, rain day so Wednesday was cancelled. Whatever, right?! Next thing you know he goes in to work a job on Thursday, it is a half day job. Well, did they not say full-time? No calls for a week about times. This company sends text messages at night when and where to show up at ridiculous hours at night. Well, he went on another interview, was told he was hired and the latest he would start is this coming Monday. He filled out all the paperwork, did the drug test, etc. So you fill out all the work to aggravate your hand? No thank you!! Never heard back. The guy who runs this place, (also a temp agency) does not return calls.

I know this is lots of mush back and forth here. But I agree with him that there are red flags. Is this how you should run your businesses? I am not saying his name or the business names. I do not want to lose his chance at either job. But really so wrong on either level. These are jobs I have prayed for him and he even prayed for.

My message is very clear, I hope and pray for ALL of you out there searching for the right job. I hope and pray that you do not get scammed out of getting paid or anything. I really hope this companies are just new and growing and just taking time to hit off with them. But when you start a business of your own, it takes guts and glory from what I have seen and heard. I give you all my best in your journey of hope and security with a decent paying job to pay for your life.

I Welcome You….

My heart breaks when I see or know there is pain in other’s lives. I wish I could fix it but I know I can not fix EVERYTHING!! I can be a part of my community, my being, my soul inside. We may have all heard in our lifetimes the saying, “choose your own battles”. Yes, but there is to a point. If we see something going on that is not safe or where we can present help when needed, please do so. I have been silent in my past for others and others the same as myself. It does not mean they will listen. Don’t we all have a message to share amongst ourselves? I have what I call my “theme song” to my life right now. It is called, “Holy Spirit You Are Welcome Here”. Use those guidelines if need be to help other’s. My “go to Bible verse” for many years has been, Isaiah 40:31. Take time to read it, look it up. I have a “go to happy song”, it is called, “Over the Rainbow”. I am sure you have either read these or heard about them. But my challenge is for you this weekend readers to look this up and find your theme song for your life right now, your verse/aspiring thought, your go to happy song.

Communication

I have struggled with this word so many times in my life. We communicate with so many people and things in life. We can hurt others but miscommunicating. I know that I have done that numerous times. Hey I’m not perfect! But I am always searching in this life I live here on earth. What can I do but improve my skills, right? So I pray about how I am communicating with others. I know I need to work with this in my return to college with classmates, professor’s, my new work study job, organizations, etc. The challenge I am finding in my anxiety in my life. It is talking with others. I can chat it up good in class but just going up to someone and making conversation is hard. Here again we are “communicating”. I feel as though this will be a constant reminder in my life. How this all relates to God. We need to be in constant commune with our Lord and Savior to be successful with our own day to day livelihood. Commincation with our God is where it all begins. Billy Graham said, “Prayer is simply a two-way conversation between you and God.”

Isaiah 40:31King James Version (KJV)

31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Thankfulness

I felt such anxiety while I sat in my bedroom. Why was everyone over? What am I gonna do? I trusted that man more than God. I hear the knock on my door. I had such fear in my heart to answer it. As I open the door my father appears. He is so hurt in his eyes and his voice. He should be as I hurt him and the family. I shamed them all. He told me to get out of the house. I kind of didn’t blame him at that time even though I was freaked out. His last words that day have haunted me for nearly five years. “I know you lost your mother, but I lost my wife.”  I still cry deep inside my soul as I hear those words cringe deep inside. I was “dating” a con artist. I chose him over my family. My dad’s family warned me and I didn’t care. I thought I know what I am doing. I didn’t believe anything anyone said. Well, I did not want to because I was lonely, depressed, and hopeful. I was in another world. I know I knew there were “red flags” and God telling me, “GET OUT KATHY”!! But I thought I knew what I was doing. As I look back at that day I realize that becoming “homeless” was the best thing for me. I was not perfect during my dark hours and my journey as I shall share with you soon. I am thankful to no longer be homeless and have my life. I  am trusting God again and moving on, moving forward.

STAY TUNED AS I WILL SHARE MORE IN MY MANY JOURNEY’S IN LIFE!

Kathy Begins Her Adventures

I began this blog to share my adventures in life. Some were not so good but have a valuable lesson involved. That is one of my desires in life is to help others. To show you the “red flags”, get your eyes and hearts open. I have some wonderful adventures with great blessings. I figure that I will even learn more from blogging and reading others blogs as well. I love to try new products and review them for others. I even love to read new books and it is great to hear what others get out of what they think the writer is saying to the reader. Why I and what I do in this life is for God first. My family will always be a big priority. I am really proud of my daughter’s and constantly brag about them. How can I not? They are two beautiful girls! 

My daughter’s and I in Orlando, Florida in February 2011.

Thank you for stopping by and I hope we can all get to know one another and learn something as well as have fun!