Suicide, what we need to understand

Many people think they can comprehend suicide. Their thoughts on someone committing suicide is they are weak and losers, etc. I do not care for those words. To be honest any human being is close enough to be close enough. You may not know what each individual is really going through.

The human being that commits suicide does not always look super happy or rather sad. The day/night before they could go out for a good time and you would never have seen it coming. It kills your heart when you lose your parent, sibling, child, and we could go on. You wonder how I know?

Let me tell you my story, not many people know what I struggle with. But I want to help you.

I have thought suicide for your one true love was special, like Romeo and Juliet. I was in school in the 80’s when we were reading about that. I doubt we did much discussion on a suicide pact. I do hope and that schools of any sect/organization discuss this. There needs to be an open door policy. 

My high years were not the best for me. I was made fun of, I really did not have many friends come over, hang out with, or even have a date, nonetheless. One day I went to the guidance and counseling office at school. I mentioned how I am so tired of life, how depressed I feel, that I felt like death. They called my parents and I was completely embarrassed. I feel that could have been dealt with better judgement. They knew my background and history. I told them if I could I would swallow Tylenol to die but I would have to chew each one since I could not swallow them back then. I felt like a joke to my parents. And that’s exactly what I became in my family.

I have had years of depression and anxiety. I have thought about suicide numerous times. I even called my pharmacy to ask, “how many pills is too many to take?” It took him a minute to say, “whoa, wait a minute here.” I would say, “I am just in so much pain and not sure what else to do.” To be honest I was at that time in too much pain but had no clue how to fix it. 

I am 47 years old and still struggle daily with different issues in my life. Not just physical and health issues. But my strongest enemy is my mental illness. I have BiPolar Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD. I think that covers it.I finaly have the right doctor’s in order for me. It is an answered prayer. I knew something was wrong and I could not quite figure some things out. I knew about the depression/anxiety and PTSD. But so glad it all makes sense now. After 47 years of life I know why I have ups and downs. I know why I have not been that stable at times. Oh I am not saying this is an excuse to work but it makes sense of my years past. I finally started medication in December 2016. It is going to take time but worth it in this journey. And yes there are moments I feel like I should not be on this earth. I have been told, “why don’t you go and kill yourself”. That’s the most ignorant thing to tell a person ever.Even today I felt like is this ALL worth it here on earth? No one really talks to me. I have no family for holidays, family please move on with me.

I know I have made many mistakes in my 47 years of life. but the last 5 years of life I have struggled daily if it was worth it. I prayed and prayed to rid this enemy out of my life. And not it will never be perfect. I see my therapist weekly and if need be twice a week. I see a psychiatrist for my meds once a month, my primary doctor once a month, and I have a case manager come over to my house weekly to see how I am doing. I do not like leaving my home. It is really hard for me. It really is. But these are things to help me.

I hope you have someone you can talk to. Whether it be a service at your job, school, church, therapist, friend, etc. But there might be that time you need to speak with a professional. 

https://afsp.org 

http://nami.org

http://spsamerica.org

conta

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mental Illness is Not a Cuss Word

It is about time to start talking about Mental Illness. It is not a contagious disease. It does not mean you are lazy. People think when you have a mental illness you are using it as an excuse. It is a terrible feeling while struggling. Too many people are not being diagnosed correctly. You need to wee your physician if you notice any signs. Please be very careful of wiki-pedia and google. NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Please check out http://nami.org.

I would write up what you have noticed or even others you can trust to your doctor. Your PCP may start you on an anti-depressant but you will need to be assessed by a psychiatrist. Once depending on your case, insurance, and/or money they should help you or at least send you in the right direction. I suggest you BE PERSISTANT. This is you life you are dealing with. And let me tell you, your life is worth it! You are worth so much more.

I’ve been there struggling and I have finally found my set of physicians to help me with my care in my life. My heart goes out to you.

I truly am  grateful that my prayers were answered, maybe not in the time I wanted but it was figured out. Too many people can interfere thinking they know best when they do not. Always contact your physician right away and go from there.

Mental Health Awarenesscute-mental-health-awareness-month-image

Mom

I have struggled for years about my mother’s love to me. Even when she was alive. She passed away in October 2011. I have made so many mistakes the amount is infinity times infinity. I love my daughter’s unconditionally. How could I not? To me, they are amazing children who grew up to be wonderful young adults.

Now back to my  mom, I made so many mistakes. It still hurts me for doing that. When my mom went on Hospice I felt the need to be there at home with her. I could not imagine what both my parent’s were thinking. You do for love unconditionally.

I know I need to move on about my fear and anxiety in regards to my mom. I have been going through therapy for years!

My message to you is this: ENJOY! Just enjoy your life. Accept your differences of your parent’s and children as well. It is time to respect not just our parent’s but our children as well. If we are not having these conversations in our families and home-life’s, it shall suffer. 

I have issues with not getting out of my home and many a bad relationship. That does not help me blossom in life. It digresses me every time I go through more trauma and traumatic events. If I did not have so many triggers in my life, no more PTSD either. Again my choices lead me to this. But sometimes life just throws you a lemon and things do not always go the way you want. 

Life is not perfect but please enjoy your time with family. No more grudges. Do not say you are a Christian and cannot forgive someone. There are lost sheep all over the world. Only God can judge us, so no more judging a person’s mistakes, troubles, behavior, race, religious belief, sexual orientation, etc. I see Jesus making friends/contacts/connections with people this day and age on earth sharing the gospel and loving each person unconditionally. How about you?

 

Finding God’s Love without Judgement

Yesterday afternoon I had speech lab. We meet once a month to do our speeches and the rest of our work is online. Our speeches were on Beliefs, Attitudes, and Values. I found this as a helpful way to remind us of who we each are. I also feel that beliefs, attitudes and values are combined together.

I believe in God, I love him as well. I do believe in the word love. What I do not believe in is hyprocity with stating you love God. As Christians saying that you love God and want to share the Gospel but yet stand with signs hating people of difference to you.

I know many people go to abortion clinics to share what they feel is wrong. But they use violence to get their message out. That is not God-Like. Not welcoming someone of another faith in your home for dinner is not neighborly. Hating someone who is gay is not right.

Open your hearts like God did for  us. John 3:16– “For God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten Son that whoever believeth shall not perish but have everlasting life.”