My Broken Heart

It was an early morning by myself, I was studying my Human Biology book. I had taken my early morning med and had some yogurt. It came on all of a sudden about 5:30 am. I thought, could I have heartburn from that? It could happen from swallowing the medicine, it has happened to other people before. I knew I was tired as I worked overnight on Tuesday night. I had classes all day Tuesday and Wednesday and barley any sleep on Tuesday before work as I have a late afternoon class on Tuesday’s. Here I am up early on Thursday morning February 13th studying for a test next week and I do not need to be at school until later this afternoon. Could this be anxiety? I know better than this as I have been in the medical field and studying to be a nurse. I generally tell people call 911 immediately. I felt such a heaviness upon my chest like an elephant upon me. By 5:50 am I decided to leave the house. I figured with my unsteady breathing and horrific pain they will say it is nothing. It was extreme cold that morning and I could not open the driver’s side door. So I went to the passenger’s side door and dialed 911. From there my life became a series of events I will never forget.

I knew right then and there I was right that at 5:30 am I was having a heart attack. But it gave me anxiety as well. The police officer came to me in the car and said the ambulance would be arriving any minute and was calming me like the 911 operator. I was grateful for the ambulance to come, which felt like an eternity. Mainly because I was having a heart attack. Two, it was really low temps out. I chewed the aspirin and we head to the local ER but they asked if I wanted to go to the hospital in Iowa, as we are 20 minutes away from Iowa. My insurance is only for Illinois and I get to the hospital in town. They ran a battery of tests and offer meds and make sure it is not indigestion. My levels continue to go up. But here’s the thing I need to be transferred to a cardiac hospital. Nearest hospital with my insurance is an hour and a half away. So add that to my nerves, my anxiety goes up but not my blood pressure. I know to be calm in a situation. I was told I do not look like the typical heart attack patient.

Finally a couple hours later, yes at least a couple hours later I get transferred to another hospital in Rockford. We had to hold off to do my angiogram until the next morning. Girl who had heart attack at 50 with anxiety issues, thanks! Family sitting back being worried. I just wanted to go home but knew I was better there. So finally I was able to eat, so I ate good, haha! My oldest daughter is an ICU nurse in Iowa and works in their cardiac care unit, she worked night shift, so she kept up to date with the care while I was there that first night. This was just day one of my life changing.

The ironic thing in this story is that on Valentine’s Day February 14th I had my angiogram, they looked at my heart. My heart attack was caused by SCAD, Spontaneous Coronary Artery Dissection. I was blessed and do I ever mean blessed with no stents. I was in the hospital a few days and then back the next day after being discharged due to heaviness again. But no heart attack, just high levels but not high enough. They changed my meds and observed me for a few days. Both times being transferred in the ambulance was long and bumpy and wish it on no one ever!

I decided to join a support group for SCAD on Facebook and with the COVID-19 my Cardiac Rehab is postponed right now. I feel tired and try to do things but am fearful of germs. I felt like that with my already diagnosis of Stage 4 Chronic Kidney Disease anyway. This has slowed me down and that I would say has happened for a reason. I still have a long way to go. I still have tests to do for my diagnosis of SCAD. So off to another adventure in my life.

Kathy

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Summer Adventures

I have been busy enjoying life to its fullest this summer! Whether you have money or not there are many ways you can do this. To me it begins with you inside your soul knowing who you are. Learn to love yourself. Work on what you do not like, if it truly needs fixing, see a therapist if some help is needed and/or speak with your primary physician if need be. Why not live life as it is short and you never know what can happen tomorrow.

Here is what has been blessed upon me and mine. I have had the chance to go back to college and in the nursing field. I start August 22nd for nursing school. I am so happy to finally be able to finish this dream in my life! I had to take care of some mental health issues along with physical health issues. I am stable on both ends. I follow up with my physicians and worked hard to get where I am. I even began to work again, part time in assisted living. It is just right for me. I even was blessed with a car from my pastor. What are the chances?

I prayed God you put it in front of me. You help me with my anxiety, depression, Bipolar, and PTSD. He did. I prayed help me with my Stage 4 Chronic Kidney Disease and I am stable with 20% kidney usuage. Scary at that amount but great compared to where I started nearly two years when diagnosed. I may not be in “perfect” health but what is the picture of health today? I feel that I am doing fabulous!

Don’t get me wrong that I still get fatigued, I am w working two nights a week and one evening shift. I do have a chronic illness with no cure and it takes a toll on me but I am managing it and found a way too.

So I decided to live life by doing what I like, get back to working in the health care field. It is where I was at my best. It is what I know and I enjoy the people.

I also decided to live life by getting outside by walking downtown in Galena. Attending church frequently, hard on the night shifts I work the night before. But I’m managing as I can listen to the service online.

David and I have been going to the lake this summer enjoying the boat, the pool, swimming and relaxing.

Look for ways to enjoy your blessings in life. Find ways to do things without the cost so high. This can be year-round. The pictures below are from where we go in Apple River, Illinois called Apple Canyon Lake.

Reaching Out

This afternoon after church I have been busy. I have been researching how to “reach out” on my blog. I have been doing this over a couple years and of course still a new blogger. This past week I came back here with so much new information it is unbelievable.

Blogging had helped me personally to share my life of lessons learned all there is going on out there. It has been fabulous to learn from ALL of you! I know there is so much more for me to do.

My friend who got me into WordPress has been a blessing in my life. It is amazing to connect with someone after so many years and still know them. Even though she was younger than me she was a mature girl and a wise Christian woman. I have used their story of dating and serving the Lord to others. It helps me share with others in a time of questions.

This is what sharing our stories are about, advice, recipes. Whatever there is we continue to learn.

Music was something that, rather is that God gives each of us. To my dear friends Ray and Jenna I am grateful for the gift God gave me through you. The worship of God’s love in music was so emotional to me. I felt God’s love.

With my daughter’s growing up it was important for me to share that with them and I did. They were taught. We may not be all on the same page now, my girls and I with our beliefs but I am mature enough in my relationship with Christ now to deal with it. God puts people in our lives for a reason and He did that for me now. When I see things I can tell immaturity or anything else in life. Growing with Christ is the best thing for me. I am truly grateful for this blogging site and will take all the tools I have learned today and this past week to heart. 🥰🥰

My Prayers For Aurora, Illinois

Yesterday a man at his workplace was, as they say “disgruntled”. He worked at his company for 15 years and was fired that day. Unfortunately he had a history that no one was aware of. He had a gun illegally. Yes I do wish laws were excellent all over so responsible people know how to use them. As in such, trained police officers, our military, people who hunt, etc.

People have free will on this Earth and we make our own choices. God gives us that. However, anyone can get a gun illegally. What we need to stop is people getting the guns illegally as well as when a F.O.I.D. card is suspended we need to find a way to get those guns. I do not know the numbers of people turning their guns in. This is no excuse for what this man did.

He killed 5 employees there. One was injured. I believe 6 police officers were injured. Aurora Police Department were right on top of it. They did what they signed up to do. The FBI helped. There were SWAT teams helping. It makes me proud of how Kane County got together. I was pleased to see our new Govenor make it up there. This showed how we all get together, in Illinois.

I moved away from the Kane County area in July but I still keep in touch with my friends out there. I was watching it from the moment I got the ABC 7 Chicago News Alert. It was to me just so close to home.

I cannot fathom what anyone there was feeling. My heart goes out to all of them. I do hope and pray for everyone, from those suffering to those first responders. How amazing to have all those ambulances there to help. We have a great state with a great group of first responders we need to respect and appreciate.

All I am is just grateful. And my prayers go out to our community in my state of Illinois. Yes it gets cold, snows, and icy but overall we can pick up the pieces together.

God Bless Everyone!

MY NEW LIFE CHALLENGE

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I have been beginning to question why this is happening to me. Why I am the one with this struggle lately? What am I to learn? I feel like a whiny baby Crying face and grumpy Baring teeth smile garbage lettuce. I need to get my priorities straight!!  Fingers crossed

I have suffered migraines most of my life along with these focal seizures. There are times I have a headache coming on and it goes to a full blown out migraine. I then sometimes go off in to this “lala land”. Meaning I am spacing out and focalized on nothing but what is right in front of me. If I am on the computer, reading a book, in a class, at church, or driving. This is NOT good at all! It is unsafe for me as well as others around me. I have had many falls in regards to this over the last few years. 2014 I had 5-6 concussions, 2015 I had 2 concussions which included a bad accident with injury, and 2016 I had two falls with NO head injuries!! But one did include a seizure immediately following. My memory was so bad I did not recall my College Algebra for an exam and failed it. I have been a busy visitor to the doctor, neurologist, labs, testing, and you name it in regards to this over many years. I have taken many different medications and tried many home remedies. Recently I finally went to my Internist and she ordered the longest MRI for my brain. YES, something is in there! I have had a cyst for many years on my left temporal lope. What was finally identified was the name and what it is causing on my left temporal lope. It is called arachnoid cyst and with that knowledge we looked it up via National Institute for Health.

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/arachnoid_cysts/arachnoid_cysts.htm

I found their site rather informing and believable. I said to myself, “It all makes sense now.” I have been fighting these signs and symptoms for many years! So, finally a diagnosis as to what is causing the interruption to my daily life. Now to figure out how to manage this pain and discomfort better. I do hope and pray that someone listens to me for once about this unusual disruption to my life and HELP me figure this out. I feel as though I have been climbing a mountain for many years and will never see the top. I do not need the devil’s discouragement I need God’s love and understanding and that’s what I have. Red heartRed heart

I just want this to work out so I am truly grateful and blessed to get an appointment with Rush University on December 29th. I need to learn once again this thing called, patience. I do realize and know that there are so many others out there worse than myself. I just need to put my life back into perspective and sometimes writing it out helps me.

I would like to thank all of you who have liked my blogs and my page as well. Thank you for your blogs to help me in my life’s journey.

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How Are You Being Socially Aware In Today’s World?

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It seems that we have gone off the band wagon of being more conscious of what we do, when we do it, and what have you.

THINK ABOUT IT!!

When will we begin to accept people for who they are? Each of us is a unique individual. What an awesome gift that it is! I believe that God created us as “equal” human beings and also as individuals. So, what is my point?? I don't know smile

 

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The point is to be “aware” of what is going on around us so much better. We tend to call things, stupid, dumb, and many other choice words. Is this what we want to teach our children? Is this what we want to be as educators? What about someone in the medical field, social services, etc? Then there is your basic everyday life of going to the grocery store, department stores, and gas stations as such. So do we let the person in line in front of us who have just a couple items vs our cart so full it is overflowing? Do you see someone coming out the door after you and you just let it go where it can hit them or something? No, we need to be aware.

 

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Being “SOCIALLY AWARE” is from many areas. It is what is basically surrounding you. If you are at work, with your family, or at school you pay attention to what someone said. To me just your basic common sense. I just have noticed that this world I am living in has removed itself from the Good Samaritan Act. It is not just helping someone who fell, it is about the recovery from the fall.

ONCE AGAIN–

THINK ABOUT THIS!!

This is not that hard to be honest. Be kind, loving, nice, use your manners. Honestly weren’t we taught this when we were all 2?

That is basically all I felt like sharing with you on this subject. Oh no worries, I’ll be back with more my dear friend’s and blogger’s!

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Giving Up, No Way Now!!

Well, I basically got my rear end handed on a platter just moments ago on Facebook. I was looking through my memories this evening and I came across “I Was Dying”. I needed this reminder tonight. I was in my self-pity mood about a half hour before. Let me run you through my day of events. How a great day went to negative feelings and then to this.

First I was so NOT in the mood for another brain MRI. Here we go again is all I thought. I was tired and just not feeling it. I was somewhat worried yesterday but I said my prayers and that was that. Simple. No, not for someone like me. I have had anxiety where I just do not want to go anywhere, talk to people, touch doors, or just about anything. So sometimes this I’ve allowed to get in my way of “living life”. I ended up texting a good friend to drive me instead of myself driving. I needed the accountability partly to get this one hour MRI done plus chat with a friend I have not chatted with in a while. It actually turned out great! The open MRI room was gorgeous. I felt like I was on a vacation just upon entering. I think the idea is to release the anxiety and stress patients generally feel. Kudos to Rush-Copley Imaging Center in Naperville!!

Part One of my day complete.

Next onto waiting for AT&T to fix my internet. I ended up becoming a new internet customer of theirs. I found a terrific deal and I received my box to hook it up in the mail yesterday. Well, things were not connecting well. Low and behold when the tech got here he found out it had to do with how the order was placed. They thought it was just one house. We live in a house that is split in half. So, I apologized because I could have clarified my info upon ordering and when I called to see what to do upon setting the new equipment. AT&T were extremely awesome! They communicated with me when they were coming via text and email. Excellent customer service as well.

Sometimes in life we complain about customer service but was there something we could have done to communicate things better on our end. In life I have had to learn this before jumping the gun numerous times.

New internet set up and ready to roll.

I did receive news I actually expected personally. But my heart was kind of broken. I began to send a text message to someone and I said to him, I quit. I was so upset. I had my feelings, I expressed them, and I did not do anything else. Oh wait, yes I did I wallowed in my own self pity as usual. Why was I so darn upset over this? Because in the back of my head, my heart, and my soul I was hoping for a “YES”. But I was not prepared and I did not really put much effort into it this year. I just wanted to try to wish for the stars. Hmmmm, reality bites sometimes doesn’t it?

Here’s what put me into perspective shortly after I said my prayer. I was looking on Facebook at my memories and up came this photo that probably has been shared for who knows how long on my page. It is titled, “I Was Dying”. In a way “I Was Dying” to be recognized for something rather than just living it out. It is not about recognition in life. It is about how we see the big picture and not do things to ACT/SHOW we are better than someone when we really are not.

I do believe though you also need to be careful about falsifying someone’s talents, gifts, and knack for skills and abilities. You never ever should send someone on a wild goose chase if it is not worth it. Maybe direct them in a better path positively.

So I do feel better but I feel that I did not give my “A” game and that is my fault. I accept the responsibility. Oh being a grown up at 46 can be so complicated and over dramatic sometimes. Oh well!

I am truly grateful for this quick lesson God reminded me of. I hope you all of a “FABULOUS FRIDAY”!!

 

Petey

Well, we are getting our new kitten fixed on Monday morning, finally! No if’s and’s or but’s about it! This so needs to be done. You can only imagine what he is like terrorizing my sane adult female, sweet, kind, and gentle Rain. This little guy is a terror. I know he means no harm, right?

Isn’t that what they all say at first?! Oh Lord help me!

So, my boyfriend has been taking this “fixing of Petey” rather personal. As if it is him. It is not him!

It’s a cat people, a kitten rather! He is adorable I will give you that. Why do you think I went to go get him when it was posted.

“Cat needs home, come get now!” Well it was said in different terms but you get the point. Yes I am a sucker! I know, fool me once, fool me twice thing. And yes I did try to help out a dog. He was sweet and innocent but my apartment at the time was just too small. So, I brought this adorable kitten home. No I did not prepare well. You would think a 46-year-old woman would know better. Hey, I never said I was a genius now, did I?

So, my dear cat Rain is just not liking him at all. She is an adult and he is a kitten full of play. She is set in her ways, kinda like me! So you could imagine the boyfriend coming home to this lovely sight. And of course he must deal with me daily. Sorry, you knew what you got into when ya met me!

Petey has been attacking my sweet precious Rain. It gets annoying. But his face and eyes make him look so darn innocent! Just like when your pets and children sleep and you think, “hey they could do no harm.” Ha! Well, the boyfriend came home from work last night and said, “he is getting fixed, I give in.” Of course he will not go to drop him off early in the morning or pick him up at the end of the day. He just can’t imagine doing that to someone.

Once again people, it is just a kitten. And I know a sweet little guy who loves to sleep next to you on his pillow at night. I get it. But he will be fine and less “cat drama” on the home front. It will work out in the end.

 

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How Important Are Things To Us?

In life we are given “stuff”, know as “things”. They are a “keepsake”. But there can come a time, “Do they really matter in the end?” NO! You can’t take them with you to Heaven. People may put a special memento in your casket at the end but that’s going to be in the ground. I know that sounds morbid. I put a pink sponge in  my mom’s casket. She was a big cleaner and I thought it was funny but yet sentimental of who she was in the bitter end. Yes, I do freak out that stuff in the ground but let’s not go there, okay? So back to my thinking about “things/stuff”. I was taking a bath this morning and God put this upon my heart so I knew I had to write this.

There was a time in my life I became homeless. I was homeless for my bad choice in dating the wrong man, a con artist who I let control me. At this time I lived at my parent’s home. It was barely 5 months since my mom’s passing. Even with the truth in front of me I could not see that this con artist did what he did and continued to do so. He destroyed my family. In a way I allowed it by my own ignorance of depression and non-focus. I put him first over God and my two teenage daughters.  So dad said, “get out”. Of course the conversation was discussed differently but that is a round about way. So that night I became a homeless person on this earth. I always had “everything” when you look back at this. But I never had independence of myself. So I began a new life with the clothes on my back and a backpack filled with what I could take with me. Your choices at a time like that are very limited and so unsure of what the heck to do.

As time passed in my life I went on to do better things and a place to live. Actually I have moved twice. But I do miss some “keepsakes”. They were ornaments my kids made, or gifts that were made for me, or just special mementos from my mom. When I left the shelter I was hoping to receive my items back. However, it did not happen the way I expected it. It was a slice in the heart really. I was homeless and in a homeless shelter for about 15 months of my life, not bad considering what others go through. But I honestly hoped for was my special afghan my Great Aunt made me for my 18th Birthday back. It was silly things like that. A lamp I purchased, etc. It was okay at first, then the good ‘ole Holiday’s came through. That was rather hard, lonely, and feeling ashamed.

Time went on and the Christmas before my dad passed I knew something was not right. I received a Christmas present, pajamas. It had been tradition to get these in our family on Christmas Eve. It was the first ‘branch’ my dad gave me. I accepted of course. He passed away February of 2015. This is the step dad I called my dad all those years with my mom after my sister and I were found. I still have those jammie bottoms. I sometimes wore them in the summer months when I felt a need to feel closer to my family. I cherish them but there will be a time I have to let go. It is part of life. I actually thought that after he passed I would have been able to say goodbye but was not. I was not even able to go back to my home for so many years in Geneva with my kids and collect my belongings but was not allowed too. It hurt so much without seeing the things that meant so much to me to remind me of my mom, my dad, my kids growing up. Now with my grandma just passing away suddenly in August I have no pictures. My heart has been sad. Yes, in the past of my sins but also sadness that includes others sinful behavior of hate and claiming they love Christ as well. I needed to forgive them but I will have memories. I am not saying it is hard, trust me I struggle. I feel your pain and anguish. But know this, we are not alone in this world and those “things/stuff’ cannot come with us to Heaven.

Coming up I will share about “Homelessness”. It is not what everyone thinks it is. The media generally reports the crimes but not those who are struggling to make ends meet. Until next time, I will keep you all in my prayers as we “STAY STRONG”! I have been told whether it was with a job, a paper to write, or just anything in general, “LESS IS MORE!” It makes sense when we are not taking it all to Heaven in the end.

 

Keep Holding On….

I believe in that you can “keep holding on” to those fabulous memories of your loved ones, and to use the words as encouragement as well. There are many statements and words that we can define in many aspects.

First let’s look at the “GOOD MEMORIES”! Always remember those, whether that person is on this earth anymore or not. I have a friend who lost her daughter to suicide. I love how she cherishes her beautiful daughter. She is representing the life her daughter had even though the last days were so dark for her baby girl. It is very unimaginable for any parent to lose a child, whether it be a serious illness, sudden accident, or suicide. We as a community of friends and family need to respect and love them. They are going through something unbelievable. God needs them to be lifted, not brought down. So “hold on” to your beautiful memories and NEVER apologize for loving your child.

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We all need to “hold on” to something. We are feeling distraught and in pain. We need to encourage one another and help build up our brothers and sisters in Christ. Inspiration is the best we can do!!

Many of you may think of Avril Lavinge’s song, “Keep Holding On”. I have enjoyed that song as well. So think of “HOLDING ON” to what is best for you to grow in life, not bring you down. Ignore the negative comments. Know in your heart of hearts what is right.

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