Mom

I have struggled for years about my mother’s love to me. Even when she was alive. She passed away in October 2011. I have made so many mistakes the amount is infinity times infinity. I love my daughter’s unconditionally. How could I not? To me, they are amazing children who grew up to be wonderful young adults.

Now back to my  mom, I made so many mistakes. It still hurts me for doing that. When my mom went on Hospice I felt the need to be there at home with her. I could not imagine what both my parent’s were thinking. You do for love unconditionally.

I know I need to move on about my fear and anxiety in regards to my mom. I have been going through therapy for years!

My message to you is this: ENJOY! Just enjoy your life. Accept your differences of your parent’s and children as well. It is time to respect not just our parent’s but our children as well. If we are not having these conversations in our families and home-life’s, it shall suffer. 

I have issues with not getting out of my home and many a bad relationship. That does not help me blossom in life. It digresses me every time I go through more trauma and traumatic events. If I did not have so many triggers in my life, no more PTSD either. Again my choices lead me to this. But sometimes life just throws you a lemon and things do not always go the way you want. 

Life is not perfect but please enjoy your time with family. No more grudges. Do not say you are a Christian and cannot forgive someone. There are lost sheep all over the world. Only God can judge us, so no more judging a person’s mistakes, troubles, behavior, race, religious belief, sexual orientation, etc. I see Jesus making friends/contacts/connections with people this day and age on earth sharing the gospel and loving each person unconditionally. How about you?

 

How Important Are Things To Us?

In life we are given “stuff”, know as “things”. They are a “keepsake”. But there can come a time, “Do they really matter in the end?” NO! You can’t take them with you to Heaven. People may put a special memento in your casket at the end but that’s going to be in the ground. I know that sounds morbid. I put a pink sponge in  my mom’s casket. She was a big cleaner and I thought it was funny but yet sentimental of who she was in the bitter end. Yes, I do freak out that stuff in the ground but let’s not go there, okay? So back to my thinking about “things/stuff”. I was taking a bath this morning and God put this upon my heart so I knew I had to write this.

There was a time in my life I became homeless. I was homeless for my bad choice in dating the wrong man, a con artist who I let control me. At this time I lived at my parent’s home. It was barely 5 months since my mom’s passing. Even with the truth in front of me I could not see that this con artist did what he did and continued to do so. He destroyed my family. In a way I allowed it by my own ignorance of depression and non-focus. I put him first over God and my two teenage daughters.  So dad said, “get out”. Of course the conversation was discussed differently but that is a round about way. So that night I became a homeless person on this earth. I always had “everything” when you look back at this. But I never had independence of myself. So I began a new life with the clothes on my back and a backpack filled with what I could take with me. Your choices at a time like that are very limited and so unsure of what the heck to do.

As time passed in my life I went on to do better things and a place to live. Actually I have moved twice. But I do miss some “keepsakes”. They were ornaments my kids made, or gifts that were made for me, or just special mementos from my mom. When I left the shelter I was hoping to receive my items back. However, it did not happen the way I expected it. It was a slice in the heart really. I was homeless and in a homeless shelter for about 15 months of my life, not bad considering what others go through. But I honestly hoped for was my special afghan my Great Aunt made me for my 18th Birthday back. It was silly things like that. A lamp I purchased, etc. It was okay at first, then the good ‘ole Holiday’s came through. That was rather hard, lonely, and feeling ashamed.

Time went on and the Christmas before my dad passed I knew something was not right. I received a Christmas present, pajamas. It had been tradition to get these in our family on Christmas Eve. It was the first ‘branch’ my dad gave me. I accepted of course. He passed away February of 2015. This is the step dad I called my dad all those years with my mom after my sister and I were found. I still have those jammie bottoms. I sometimes wore them in the summer months when I felt a need to feel closer to my family. I cherish them but there will be a time I have to let go. It is part of life. I actually thought that after he passed I would have been able to say goodbye but was not. I was not even able to go back to my home for so many years in Geneva with my kids and collect my belongings but was not allowed too. It hurt so much without seeing the things that meant so much to me to remind me of my mom, my dad, my kids growing up. Now with my grandma just passing away suddenly in August I have no pictures. My heart has been sad. Yes, in the past of my sins but also sadness that includes others sinful behavior of hate and claiming they love Christ as well. I needed to forgive them but I will have memories. I am not saying it is hard, trust me I struggle. I feel your pain and anguish. But know this, we are not alone in this world and those “things/stuff’ cannot come with us to Heaven.

Coming up I will share about “Homelessness”. It is not what everyone thinks it is. The media generally reports the crimes but not those who are struggling to make ends meet. Until next time, I will keep you all in my prayers as we “STAY STRONG”! I have been told whether it was with a job, a paper to write, or just anything in general, “LESS IS MORE!” It makes sense when we are not taking it all to Heaven in the end.

 

Why do we hold on?

Oh how this question seems to never go away from us sometimes? We tend to “hold on” to the past as for fear of the future, feeling like we cannot move on, regret, maybe wanting to go back to a behavior that is something you desire. In actuality it is the worst thing to do to ourselves by holding on. Now this is in regards to a bad relationship, a behavior that seemed “like fun” but caused such pain and anguish. In other words, sinful behavior. When it comes to losing someone to death, that is something else, please do not put that in this category, how and why they died. I would like to discuss that on my blog in the near future as it has affected me too.

But back to basics, today I was haunted by innocent words from my daughter in the past, “Mom why couldn’t you marry him instead of this guy?” Well, I was somewhat engaged to a con artist at the time (little did I know). But I had just found out some things about this person. It was taken lightly to me which caused a future of pain. But that day when my youngest asked me that question, we met a friend of mine at a restaurant. He is a good man. We all chatted, it was good. My head was all over the place. But I could never tell anyone why it never worked with that good man there, it was we were great friends and I fell in love with him, his generous heart, sense of humor, etc. I never told him or my kids. But when I realized that my friendship was in trouble, meaning I wanted more, I needed to back off. No I never said a word. My fault. Who knows what God wanted. But I was also depressed after my mom’s death and lonely. And that is how my heart was open to Satan, not purposely but that devil took my heart and used the con artist to take away what I loved the most, my family and friends, next to God. I was basically looking above myself watching this happen and not able to change it. I was in motion and ould not stop it, I could not talk for myself, think for myself, or be myself. That is what happened. I felt like I was in slow motion. It was horrible.

So this afternoon I heard my daughter’s innocence in my head speaking to me. It made me feel like I let not only both my girl’s down but reminded me of letting him down too, my friend that is. Watch your hearts and guard them. The time we seem to suffer the most is when the Devil takes and destroys us all.

1 Timothy 4:16 NKJV “Take heed to yourself and the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you.” 

I know that passage is in reference to our Ministry gifts, however the words “TAKE HEED” kept coming to me in this blog. But those two words that are in the Bible sure have a huge affect on me today, “TAKE HEED”.

I think it is time to forgive myself fully instead of “holding on” to these bad memories to discourage me.