Suicide, what we need to understand

Many people think they can comprehend suicide. Their thoughts on someone committing suicide is they are weak and losers, etc. I do not care for those words. To be honest any human being is close enough to be close enough. You may not know what each individual is really going through.

The human being that commits suicide does not always look super happy or rather sad. The day/night before they could go out for a good time and you would never have seen it coming. It kills your heart when you lose your parent, sibling, child, and we could go on. You wonder how I know?

Let me tell you my story, not many people know what I struggle with. But I want to help you.

I have thought suicide for your one true love was special, like Romeo and Juliet. I was in school in the 80’s when we were reading about that. I doubt we did much discussion on a suicide pact. I do hope and that schools of any sect/organization discuss this. There needs to be an open door policy. 

My high years were not the best for me. I was made fun of, I really did not have many friends come over, hang out with, or even have a date, nonetheless. One day I went to the guidance and counseling office at school. I mentioned how I am so tired of life, how depressed I feel, that I felt like death. They called my parents and I was completely embarrassed. I feel that could have been dealt with better judgement. They knew my background and history. I told them if I could I would swallow Tylenol to die but I would have to chew each one since I could not swallow them back then. I felt like a joke to my parents. And that’s exactly what I became in my family.

I have had years of depression and anxiety. I have thought about suicide numerous times. I even called my pharmacy to ask, “how many pills is too many to take?” It took him a minute to say, “whoa, wait a minute here.” I would say, “I am just in so much pain and not sure what else to do.” To be honest I was at that time in too much pain but had no clue how to fix it. 

I am 47 years old and still struggle daily with different issues in my life. Not just physical and health issues. But my strongest enemy is my mental illness. I have BiPolar Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD. I think that covers it.I finaly have the right doctor’s in order for me. It is an answered prayer. I knew something was wrong and I could not quite figure some things out. I knew about the depression/anxiety and PTSD. But so glad it all makes sense now. After 47 years of life I know why I have ups and downs. I know why I have not been that stable at times. Oh I am not saying this is an excuse to work but it makes sense of my years past. I finally started medication in December 2016. It is going to take time but worth it in this journey. And yes there are moments I feel like I should not be on this earth. I have been told, “why don’t you go and kill yourself”. That’s the most ignorant thing to tell a person ever.Even today I felt like is this ALL worth it here on earth? No one really talks to me. I have no family for holidays, family please move on with me.

I know I have made many mistakes in my 47 years of life. but the last 5 years of life I have struggled daily if it was worth it. I prayed and prayed to rid this enemy out of my life. And not it will never be perfect. I see my therapist weekly and if need be twice a week. I see a psychiatrist for my meds once a month, my primary doctor once a month, and I have a case manager come over to my house weekly to see how I am doing. I do not like leaving my home. It is really hard for me. It really is. But these are things to help me.

I hope you have someone you can talk to. Whether it be a service at your job, school, church, therapist, friend, etc. But there might be that time you need to speak with a professional. 

https://afsp.org 

http://nami.org

http://spsamerica.org

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Mom

I have struggled for years about my mother’s love to me. Even when she was alive. She passed away in October 2011. I have made so many mistakes the amount is infinity times infinity. I love my daughter’s unconditionally. How could I not? To me, they are amazing children who grew up to be wonderful young adults.

Now back to my  mom, I made so many mistakes. It still hurts me for doing that. When my mom went on Hospice I felt the need to be there at home with her. I could not imagine what both my parent’s were thinking. You do for love unconditionally.

I know I need to move on about my fear and anxiety in regards to my mom. I have been going through therapy for years!

My message to you is this: ENJOY! Just enjoy your life. Accept your differences of your parent’s and children as well. It is time to respect not just our parent’s but our children as well. If we are not having these conversations in our families and home-life’s, it shall suffer. 

I have issues with not getting out of my home and many a bad relationship. That does not help me blossom in life. It digresses me every time I go through more trauma and traumatic events. If I did not have so many triggers in my life, no more PTSD either. Again my choices lead me to this. But sometimes life just throws you a lemon and things do not always go the way you want. 

Life is not perfect but please enjoy your time with family. No more grudges. Do not say you are a Christian and cannot forgive someone. There are lost sheep all over the world. Only God can judge us, so no more judging a person’s mistakes, troubles, behavior, race, religious belief, sexual orientation, etc. I see Jesus making friends/contacts/connections with people this day and age on earth sharing the gospel and loving each person unconditionally. How about you?

 

MY NEW LIFE CHALLENGE

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I have been beginning to question why this is happening to me. Why I am the one with this struggle lately? What am I to learn? I feel like a whiny baby Crying face and grumpy Baring teeth smile garbage lettuce. I need to get my priorities straight!!  Fingers crossed

I have suffered migraines most of my life along with these focal seizures. There are times I have a headache coming on and it goes to a full blown out migraine. I then sometimes go off in to this “lala land”. Meaning I am spacing out and focalized on nothing but what is right in front of me. If I am on the computer, reading a book, in a class, at church, or driving. This is NOT good at all! It is unsafe for me as well as others around me. I have had many falls in regards to this over the last few years. 2014 I had 5-6 concussions, 2015 I had 2 concussions which included a bad accident with injury, and 2016 I had two falls with NO head injuries!! But one did include a seizure immediately following. My memory was so bad I did not recall my College Algebra for an exam and failed it. I have been a busy visitor to the doctor, neurologist, labs, testing, and you name it in regards to this over many years. I have taken many different medications and tried many home remedies. Recently I finally went to my Internist and she ordered the longest MRI for my brain. YES, something is in there! I have had a cyst for many years on my left temporal lope. What was finally identified was the name and what it is causing on my left temporal lope. It is called arachnoid cyst and with that knowledge we looked it up via National Institute for Health.

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/arachnoid_cysts/arachnoid_cysts.htm

I found their site rather informing and believable. I said to myself, “It all makes sense now.” I have been fighting these signs and symptoms for many years! So, finally a diagnosis as to what is causing the interruption to my daily life. Now to figure out how to manage this pain and discomfort better. I do hope and pray that someone listens to me for once about this unusual disruption to my life and HELP me figure this out. I feel as though I have been climbing a mountain for many years and will never see the top. I do not need the devil’s discouragement I need God’s love and understanding and that’s what I have. Red heartRed heart

I just want this to work out so I am truly grateful and blessed to get an appointment with Rush University on December 29th. I need to learn once again this thing called, patience. I do realize and know that there are so many others out there worse than myself. I just need to put my life back into perspective and sometimes writing it out helps me.

I would like to thank all of you who have liked my blogs and my page as well. Thank you for your blogs to help me in my life’s journey.

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How Are You Being Socially Aware In Today’s World?

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It seems that we have gone off the band wagon of being more conscious of what we do, when we do it, and what have you.

THINK ABOUT IT!!

When will we begin to accept people for who they are? Each of us is a unique individual. What an awesome gift that it is! I believe that God created us as “equal” human beings and also as individuals. So, what is my point?? I don't know smile

 

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The point is to be “aware” of what is going on around us so much better. We tend to call things, stupid, dumb, and many other choice words. Is this what we want to teach our children? Is this what we want to be as educators? What about someone in the medical field, social services, etc? Then there is your basic everyday life of going to the grocery store, department stores, and gas stations as such. So do we let the person in line in front of us who have just a couple items vs our cart so full it is overflowing? Do you see someone coming out the door after you and you just let it go where it can hit them or something? No, we need to be aware.

 

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Being “SOCIALLY AWARE” is from many areas. It is what is basically surrounding you. If you are at work, with your family, or at school you pay attention to what someone said. To me just your basic common sense. I just have noticed that this world I am living in has removed itself from the Good Samaritan Act. It is not just helping someone who fell, it is about the recovery from the fall.

ONCE AGAIN–

THINK ABOUT THIS!!

This is not that hard to be honest. Be kind, loving, nice, use your manners. Honestly weren’t we taught this when we were all 2?

That is basically all I felt like sharing with you on this subject. Oh no worries, I’ll be back with more my dear friend’s and blogger’s!

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Giving Up, No Way Now!!

Well, I basically got my rear end handed on a platter just moments ago on Facebook. I was looking through my memories this evening and I came across “I Was Dying”. I needed this reminder tonight. I was in my self-pity mood about a half hour before. Let me run you through my day of events. How a great day went to negative feelings and then to this.

First I was so NOT in the mood for another brain MRI. Here we go again is all I thought. I was tired and just not feeling it. I was somewhat worried yesterday but I said my prayers and that was that. Simple. No, not for someone like me. I have had anxiety where I just do not want to go anywhere, talk to people, touch doors, or just about anything. So sometimes this I’ve allowed to get in my way of “living life”. I ended up texting a good friend to drive me instead of myself driving. I needed the accountability partly to get this one hour MRI done plus chat with a friend I have not chatted with in a while. It actually turned out great! The open MRI room was gorgeous. I felt like I was on a vacation just upon entering. I think the idea is to release the anxiety and stress patients generally feel. Kudos to Rush-Copley Imaging Center in Naperville!!

Part One of my day complete.

Next onto waiting for AT&T to fix my internet. I ended up becoming a new internet customer of theirs. I found a terrific deal and I received my box to hook it up in the mail yesterday. Well, things were not connecting well. Low and behold when the tech got here he found out it had to do with how the order was placed. They thought it was just one house. We live in a house that is split in half. So, I apologized because I could have clarified my info upon ordering and when I called to see what to do upon setting the new equipment. AT&T were extremely awesome! They communicated with me when they were coming via text and email. Excellent customer service as well.

Sometimes in life we complain about customer service but was there something we could have done to communicate things better on our end. In life I have had to learn this before jumping the gun numerous times.

New internet set up and ready to roll.

I did receive news I actually expected personally. But my heart was kind of broken. I began to send a text message to someone and I said to him, I quit. I was so upset. I had my feelings, I expressed them, and I did not do anything else. Oh wait, yes I did I wallowed in my own self pity as usual. Why was I so darn upset over this? Because in the back of my head, my heart, and my soul I was hoping for a “YES”. But I was not prepared and I did not really put much effort into it this year. I just wanted to try to wish for the stars. Hmmmm, reality bites sometimes doesn’t it?

Here’s what put me into perspective shortly after I said my prayer. I was looking on Facebook at my memories and up came this photo that probably has been shared for who knows how long on my page. It is titled, “I Was Dying”. In a way “I Was Dying” to be recognized for something rather than just living it out. It is not about recognition in life. It is about how we see the big picture and not do things to ACT/SHOW we are better than someone when we really are not.

I do believe though you also need to be careful about falsifying someone’s talents, gifts, and knack for skills and abilities. You never ever should send someone on a wild goose chase if it is not worth it. Maybe direct them in a better path positively.

So I do feel better but I feel that I did not give my “A” game and that is my fault. I accept the responsibility. Oh being a grown up at 46 can be so complicated and over dramatic sometimes. Oh well!

I am truly grateful for this quick lesson God reminded me of. I hope you all of a “FABULOUS FRIDAY”!!

 

It’s Been Five Years

Wow! Time really flies by, doesn’t it? It has been five years today since my mom passed away. I feel like I never will forget the day’s entirety. My mom had suffered cancer for many years on and off. I have no clue how she did it. I cannot imagine her pain and suffering as I am not her.

The Thursday just before Memorial Day my mom went in to see her oncologist. I went with her. We both knew inside that it was the last time. We even spoke about it. He admitted her for more tests and all the logistics he needed to do to see where he could go with a Stage 4 Lung Cancer patient. The next day Friday he said, “It is time for Hospice.” Mom knew that and yet he still needed to say that. She needed his formal statement basically. My daughter’s came to the hospital after school that day. I told them what was happening. They were like, “Hasn’t Grandma been dying for years?” Well this was a bit more formal now. It was set in stone, time to plan the funeral per se. My mom said, “Discharge me now!” Of course she should be. What the heck are the meds going to do via IV fluids to help her. You see my mom suffered this cancer for many years. So mom came home that night. Within a week Hospice came and we began about 6 months of a new life.

She lived about 6 months with this horrendous disease that takes over your body. I worked home care jobs as a CNA so I could be around for my mom’s last moments. It helped me be there for the kids more to deal with this. She did not live her last 6 months sitting down. No sir! My mom was always a fighter but she deserved to live her last days “ALIVE”! She did what she could when she could. We had friends and family visit at times. Her last couple months of life you knew it was happening but it was hard to accept.

My mom’s last meal was Portillo’s ribs! Bless her heart, she tried her best to eat them. As time went on it was hard for mom to eat anything. My neighbor’s little girls across the street were such a blessing. I was so blessed for them to be there. I remember two days before she died, it was a Wednesday afternoon and Lucy was over making my mom laugh! It was so inspiring. She loved to hear her stories. She loved to talk with Maya, such an intelligent little girl my mom always said.

October 14, 2011 my daughter’s head off to school. Stephanie was a senior and Elizabeth was a sophomore. Dad said to me it doesn’t look good. The look in his eyes I will never forget. I have tears in my eyes right now feeling that exact moment in time. I will never understand how my dad went through this since I am not him. I told my mom, “I love you mommy.” And her last words to me were, “I love you.” Why I said mommy I never really understood until years later. I never had a mommy most my life. I was kidnapped at age 7 and recovered at age 15. And there I was at age 41 losing her.

The Hospice nurse came and said, “Anytime now.” She told me to call the school and get the girl’s home so they can spend their last moments with their Grandma. I know the nurse had a tear in her eye. How can you not have her job and not be affected? She and my mom had so many similarities. They would have a blast. They were the same age. I would join them and have a great time. We all needed it.

The Chaplain from Hospice came and said she will not make it through the night. I knew it inside my heart. My mom did not want to die in the dark at night. My mom’s best friends came over and family as soon as they could. My mom’s youngest brother drove his truck over, moments later she passed. Mom was waiting for him. My mom died at 5pm on October 14, 2011.

God knew what he was doing. You see my daughters were cheerleaders in high school. Normally they cheer on Friday night. How ironic that they ended up playing an away game on Saturday morning at a field that does not have lights? God always has a plan. Even though we hurt with this horrible loss. I was so sad and could not sleep. I felt my right toe, the big one getting touched the night she died when I was in bed. It was like her way of saying goodbye but looking and feeling healthy.

I will never forget that day as I will love my mom forever, no matter the fights we have had. But we always made up for those fights. I would go back and say, “You know mom you are right.” Or even she has admitted, “I was wrong, maybe we should do this.” Sometimes when we love someone we get all crazy and goofy and say things we do not mean. Why? I honestly do not know. We just want what is best for our loved ones. We just want our children to make the best decisions ever. Usually because in our past we have made poor choices.

October 14 will always be a day dedicated to my mom. Now she has my dad up in Heaven with her, her brother, and her mom. She went up to Heaven to see her daddy. The things God does for us. I don’t think my mom could have handled my Uncle’s sudden passing, along with my dad’s illness, and Grandma’s sudden illness. God planned this for her. Just like he did for Grandpa. I know easier said than done.

Every day is a gift and I am going to enjoy it!

 

How Important Are Things To Us?

In life we are given “stuff”, know as “things”. They are a “keepsake”. But there can come a time, “Do they really matter in the end?” NO! You can’t take them with you to Heaven. People may put a special memento in your casket at the end but that’s going to be in the ground. I know that sounds morbid. I put a pink sponge in  my mom’s casket. She was a big cleaner and I thought it was funny but yet sentimental of who she was in the bitter end. Yes, I do freak out that stuff in the ground but let’s not go there, okay? So back to my thinking about “things/stuff”. I was taking a bath this morning and God put this upon my heart so I knew I had to write this.

There was a time in my life I became homeless. I was homeless for my bad choice in dating the wrong man, a con artist who I let control me. At this time I lived at my parent’s home. It was barely 5 months since my mom’s passing. Even with the truth in front of me I could not see that this con artist did what he did and continued to do so. He destroyed my family. In a way I allowed it by my own ignorance of depression and non-focus. I put him first over God and my two teenage daughters.  So dad said, “get out”. Of course the conversation was discussed differently but that is a round about way. So that night I became a homeless person on this earth. I always had “everything” when you look back at this. But I never had independence of myself. So I began a new life with the clothes on my back and a backpack filled with what I could take with me. Your choices at a time like that are very limited and so unsure of what the heck to do.

As time passed in my life I went on to do better things and a place to live. Actually I have moved twice. But I do miss some “keepsakes”. They were ornaments my kids made, or gifts that were made for me, or just special mementos from my mom. When I left the shelter I was hoping to receive my items back. However, it did not happen the way I expected it. It was a slice in the heart really. I was homeless and in a homeless shelter for about 15 months of my life, not bad considering what others go through. But I honestly hoped for was my special afghan my Great Aunt made me for my 18th Birthday back. It was silly things like that. A lamp I purchased, etc. It was okay at first, then the good ‘ole Holiday’s came through. That was rather hard, lonely, and feeling ashamed.

Time went on and the Christmas before my dad passed I knew something was not right. I received a Christmas present, pajamas. It had been tradition to get these in our family on Christmas Eve. It was the first ‘branch’ my dad gave me. I accepted of course. He passed away February of 2015. This is the step dad I called my dad all those years with my mom after my sister and I were found. I still have those jammie bottoms. I sometimes wore them in the summer months when I felt a need to feel closer to my family. I cherish them but there will be a time I have to let go. It is part of life. I actually thought that after he passed I would have been able to say goodbye but was not. I was not even able to go back to my home for so many years in Geneva with my kids and collect my belongings but was not allowed too. It hurt so much without seeing the things that meant so much to me to remind me of my mom, my dad, my kids growing up. Now with my grandma just passing away suddenly in August I have no pictures. My heart has been sad. Yes, in the past of my sins but also sadness that includes others sinful behavior of hate and claiming they love Christ as well. I needed to forgive them but I will have memories. I am not saying it is hard, trust me I struggle. I feel your pain and anguish. But know this, we are not alone in this world and those “things/stuff’ cannot come with us to Heaven.

Coming up I will share about “Homelessness”. It is not what everyone thinks it is. The media generally reports the crimes but not those who are struggling to make ends meet. Until next time, I will keep you all in my prayers as we “STAY STRONG”! I have been told whether it was with a job, a paper to write, or just anything in general, “LESS IS MORE!” It makes sense when we are not taking it all to Heaven in the end.

 

Keep Holding On….

I believe in that you can “keep holding on” to those fabulous memories of your loved ones, and to use the words as encouragement as well. There are many statements and words that we can define in many aspects.

First let’s look at the “GOOD MEMORIES”! Always remember those, whether that person is on this earth anymore or not. I have a friend who lost her daughter to suicide. I love how she cherishes her beautiful daughter. She is representing the life her daughter had even though the last days were so dark for her baby girl. It is very unimaginable for any parent to lose a child, whether it be a serious illness, sudden accident, or suicide. We as a community of friends and family need to respect and love them. They are going through something unbelievable. God needs them to be lifted, not brought down. So “hold on” to your beautiful memories and NEVER apologize for loving your child.

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We all need to “hold on” to something. We are feeling distraught and in pain. We need to encourage one another and help build up our brothers and sisters in Christ. Inspiration is the best we can do!!

Many of you may think of Avril Lavinge’s song, “Keep Holding On”. I have enjoyed that song as well. So think of “HOLDING ON” to what is best for you to grow in life, not bring you down. Ignore the negative comments. Know in your heart of hearts what is right.

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Daily Prompt: Graceful

I think the word “graceful” can be defined in many ways. First comes to mind, God and how He shows me grace and helps me become “graceful” in my own life. God’s grace is over me and my heart and that helps me move along in life.

Another interpretation would be me and how I try to be “graceful” and I just trip and fall all the time. I was born clumsy. I have a sense of humor about this for sure.

I think these two things here make what is best about me and my life. God made me “graceful”. One to enjoy His grace by His spirit. Two to have a sense of humor when it comes to falling down.

Why do we hold on?

Oh how this question seems to never go away from us sometimes? We tend to “hold on” to the past as for fear of the future, feeling like we cannot move on, regret, maybe wanting to go back to a behavior that is something you desire. In actuality it is the worst thing to do to ourselves by holding on. Now this is in regards to a bad relationship, a behavior that seemed “like fun” but caused such pain and anguish. In other words, sinful behavior. When it comes to losing someone to death, that is something else, please do not put that in this category, how and why they died. I would like to discuss that on my blog in the near future as it has affected me too.

But back to basics, today I was haunted by innocent words from my daughter in the past, “Mom why couldn’t you marry him instead of this guy?” Well, I was somewhat engaged to a con artist at the time (little did I know). But I had just found out some things about this person. It was taken lightly to me which caused a future of pain. But that day when my youngest asked me that question, we met a friend of mine at a restaurant. He is a good man. We all chatted, it was good. My head was all over the place. But I could never tell anyone why it never worked with that good man there, it was we were great friends and I fell in love with him, his generous heart, sense of humor, etc. I never told him or my kids. But when I realized that my friendship was in trouble, meaning I wanted more, I needed to back off. No I never said a word. My fault. Who knows what God wanted. But I was also depressed after my mom’s death and lonely. And that is how my heart was open to Satan, not purposely but that devil took my heart and used the con artist to take away what I loved the most, my family and friends, next to God. I was basically looking above myself watching this happen and not able to change it. I was in motion and ould not stop it, I could not talk for myself, think for myself, or be myself. That is what happened. I felt like I was in slow motion. It was horrible.

So this afternoon I heard my daughter’s innocence in my head speaking to me. It made me feel like I let not only both my girl’s down but reminded me of letting him down too, my friend that is. Watch your hearts and guard them. The time we seem to suffer the most is when the Devil takes and destroys us all.

1 Timothy 4:16 NKJV “Take heed to yourself and the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you.” 

I know that passage is in reference to our Ministry gifts, however the words “TAKE HEED” kept coming to me in this blog. But those two words that are in the Bible sure have a huge affect on me today, “TAKE HEED”.

I think it is time to forgive myself fully instead of “holding on” to these bad memories to discourage me.