Coffeeless

This morning that is exactly how I feel, coffeeless. I just made this word up. I was in the kitchen getting a cup of coffee. I was walking out of my kitchen with an empty juice glass. Yep I needed to wake up a bit more this morning.

I really needed my coffee this morning. Well, technically need and want are two different words. And I am a true coffee girl! We all have our special likes and needs in this world.

Right now David and I are doing these “diets”. I just do not care for the way that word had been used in my lowly 49 years of life. “A diet” should be something we need to eat in order to nurish our bodies. We need to nurish our bodies to survive and live in a healthy way. I looked up the word diet on Google. This is what I found:

Well, there it is the restrictions, etc. But sometimes with your health you need to do that. The word diet in this search is a noun and verb. I find this interesting. I would love to hear from my readers as what you think about the word “diet”. I am up to learning something new everyday.

My diet consists of a renal diet. I do this because I have Stage 4 Chronic Kidney Disease. I also choose to do this because:

1. Nephrologist just says just watch your sodium intake and protein.

2. I personally feel I need to do more for my CKD with my research.

3. I spoke with my PCP, he is an internist and 5 minutes from me, he is pleased I want to take action.

4. Let’s do this meal plan for you and to help you have quality of life for your stage in CKD.

So I feel that since I have had this disease (15 months now) I speak up even more for myself. I have no problem following the guidelines for a renal diet. I just really want my coffee to wake me up!!

Oh I know with health issues we may need to eat less of something, etc. I want a good quality of life with my family, no doubt. Things can be enjoyed with moderation, I get that. But I feel we should also enjoy our lives.

So no more making me coffeeless and on a tangent of nothingness again. Hope you all have a great day! Please tell me what you think about diets and if there something you need or want to get started for your day. I do have more things to get my day going but I was stomped with this coffeeless feeling. I hope you are all smiling and laughing! 🤪🤪

Why Not Journal Sometime….

I love writing in my personal journal. It gives me relief of my daily life. Journal writing and yes I mean with a writing utensil; can be very effective to anyone’s life. I truly have been blessed to allow the words to just come to me in my journal. I have no clue what I plan on writing, it just happens.

I have noticed how we are an electronic world now. No more writing utencils in this lifetime. I feel that we all should have a journal like that. Now I do comprehend those who have health issues that may not allow them to do that, as well as typing. But my point is that we all have gotten away from having a journal or small notebook with us. Whether it is small or big; let the words flow through you. It could help you with something going on in your life; or poetry, a short story, or you could use it for non-fiction.

Everyone has a story to tell and I want to hear it! 61078a4e284e46b3c71dec7546cf07bf

I found this meme on Pinterest of course. This meme portrays the humor I have had with assignments in any educational setting as well as any professional setting. I am sure you can see this for yourself.

I have a little journal in my purse if the pen moves me. I look forward to adding these journals together one day or maybe someone will. My journals are mainly about my life. I try to seperate my life vs stories. Who knows what will hapen with them.

If you find yourself having a hard time journaling, try Pinterest and search journaling Prompts. There are a variety ideas on their site. ff02a95b3b1a6e6a3a5eecbb680f0f56

Suicide, what we need to understand

Many people think they can comprehend suicide. Their thoughts on someone committing suicide is they are weak and losers, etc. I do not care for those words. To be honest any human being is close enough to be close enough. You may not know what each individual is really going through.

The human being that commits suicide does not always look super happy or rather sad. The day/night before they could go out for a good time and you would never have seen it coming. It kills your heart when you lose your parent, sibling, child, and we could go on. You wonder how I know?

Let me tell you my story, not many people know what I struggle with. But I want to help you.

I have thought suicide for your one true love was special, like Romeo and Juliet. I was in school in the 80’s when we were reading about that. I doubt we did much discussion on a suicide pact. I do hope and that schools of any sect/organization discuss this. There needs to be an open door policy. 

My high years were not the best for me. I was made fun of, I really did not have many friends come over, hang out with, or even have a date, nonetheless. One day I went to the guidance and counseling office at school. I mentioned how I am so tired of life, how depressed I feel, that I felt like death. They called my parents and I was completely embarrassed. I feel that could have been dealt with better judgement. They knew my background and history. I told them if I could I would swallow Tylenol to die but I would have to chew each one since I could not swallow them back then. I felt like a joke to my parents. And that’s exactly what I became in my family.

I have had years of depression and anxiety. I have thought about suicide numerous times. I even called my pharmacy to ask, “how many pills is too many to take?” It took him a minute to say, “whoa, wait a minute here.” I would say, “I am just in so much pain and not sure what else to do.” To be honest I was at that time in too much pain but had no clue how to fix it. 

I am 47 years old and still struggle daily with different issues in my life. Not just physical and health issues. But my strongest enemy is my mental illness. I have BiPolar Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD. I think that covers it.I finaly have the right doctor’s in order for me. It is an answered prayer. I knew something was wrong and I could not quite figure some things out. I knew about the depression/anxiety and PTSD. But so glad it all makes sense now. After 47 years of life I know why I have ups and downs. I know why I have not been that stable at times. Oh I am not saying this is an excuse to work but it makes sense of my years past. I finally started medication in December 2016. It is going to take time but worth it in this journey. And yes there are moments I feel like I should not be on this earth. I have been told, “why don’t you go and kill yourself”. That’s the most ignorant thing to tell a person ever.Even today I felt like is this ALL worth it here on earth? No one really talks to me. I have no family for holidays, family please move on with me.

I know I have made many mistakes in my 47 years of life. but the last 5 years of life I have struggled daily if it was worth it. I prayed and prayed to rid this enemy out of my life. And not it will never be perfect. I see my therapist weekly and if need be twice a week. I see a psychiatrist for my meds once a month, my primary doctor once a month, and I have a case manager come over to my house weekly to see how I am doing. I do not like leaving my home. It is really hard for me. It really is. But these are things to help me.

I hope you have someone you can talk to. Whether it be a service at your job, school, church, therapist, friend, etc. But there might be that time you need to speak with a professional. 

https://afsp.org 

http://nami.org

http://spsamerica.org

conta

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mom

I have struggled for years about my mother’s love to me. Even when she was alive. She passed away in October 2011. I have made so many mistakes the amount is infinity times infinity. I love my daughter’s unconditionally. How could I not? To me, they are amazing children who grew up to be wonderful young adults.

Now back to my  mom, I made so many mistakes. It still hurts me for doing that. When my mom went on Hospice I felt the need to be there at home with her. I could not imagine what both my parent’s were thinking. You do for love unconditionally.

I know I need to move on about my fear and anxiety in regards to my mom. I have been going through therapy for years!

My message to you is this: ENJOY! Just enjoy your life. Accept your differences of your parent’s and children as well. It is time to respect not just our parent’s but our children as well. If we are not having these conversations in our families and home-life’s, it shall suffer. 

I have issues with not getting out of my home and many a bad relationship. That does not help me blossom in life. It digresses me every time I go through more trauma and traumatic events. If I did not have so many triggers in my life, no more PTSD either. Again my choices lead me to this. But sometimes life just throws you a lemon and things do not always go the way you want. 

Life is not perfect but please enjoy your time with family. No more grudges. Do not say you are a Christian and cannot forgive someone. There are lost sheep all over the world. Only God can judge us, so no more judging a person’s mistakes, troubles, behavior, race, religious belief, sexual orientation, etc. I see Jesus making friends/contacts/connections with people this day and age on earth sharing the gospel and loving each person unconditionally. How about you?

 

What My 20 Year Old Taught Me

6a00d83451c76a69e201b8d2226594970c

Sometimes in life we do not pay attention too much around us, even politically. Yes, I used the “P” word! Surprised smile This is one area where no one likes to go. People loose friendships over this and there are awful words said to others. We complain on social media how we are so sick of the mud swinging of words used against one another, as in the political debates with our candidates. However, we as human beings begin to do the same against our friends and family but things ends up worse. People get deleted and blocked but it ends up that family and friends of many many years are no longer talking. This is not how it should be. Why not agree to disagree? Must you be always ‘right” in your mind? How do you even know you are accurate with all ‘your’ mud slinging as well?

THAT’S THE POINT!!

I am constantly saying to be ‘socially aware’ and that is true. But I feel that I have learned a BIG lesson in this thanks to my youngest daughter this morning. And as a mom I could not be more proud of her, who she became on her own, all that she will continue to be, and what life is going to bring her.

HERE IT GOES!!

L-P-hk-4-prez-04

She sent me an inbox on Facebook this morning asking who I am voting for. I responded but I wanted to know why. I knew there was more to this story and a lesson to learn here. She stated her feelings about this election in an adult way. No swearing at me or anyone, no name calling, and no crap basically. She showed me more maturity than most adults I have seen on all social media forms lately. But she is right, it is politics and it basically sucks in my eyes. Lies are out there and she made sure I knew to check the PROPER resources which I have really not. I do not watch television nor the news. I get my news info from my news apps. I am concerned what is actually right. I agreed with her that the .gov sites are the best. To be honest the main two candidates may have some “problems” behind closed doors but what is the choice we need to pick in the end. I know I am going a bit further into what she said to me but she opened my brain and that is exactly what this 46 year old lady needed!

6a00d83451c76a69e201b7c89883cf970b

As you can tell Hello Kitty is once again my chosen candidate for 2016!!

But overall, we really need to learn to listen to our children and youth today. They have more to say then we actually allow them.

Thank you to my baby girl for being so bright!!

Aromas

I have happened to notice for myself, that is– the beautiful smell of life helps me want to live it! Each season we have these amazing scents of candles that blend inside our souls that just make us feel real. It makes me feel ALIVE! Even indoor/outdoor cooking and baking has that same effect for me.

I have suffered anxiety and depression for many years. For me when summer hits, the smell of the grills, making a nice fresh salad, windows open, and a fresh lightly scented candle make me feel out of the dumps. It makes me feel that this is my life and I am allowed to enjoy it and be happy. I no longer need to punish myself to hide inside from all my mistakes forever!

I would love to theorize that scents/aromas could help those with depression, anxiety, and other situations. It brings me happiness. It may not cure me in one second. But think about it, is there a perfume smell, candle, meal, and/or dessert that makes you feel all good and comfy inside? I enjoy the smell of a home cooked meal over takeout. I love when a turkey is in the oven. These things make a difference for me. I am allowing them to make me happy rather than sad.

This is short and sweet with the fact to enjoy life! I am doing the best I can while I am here! God Bless!

Giving Up, No Way Now!!

Well, I basically got my rear end handed on a platter just moments ago on Facebook. I was looking through my memories this evening and I came across “I Was Dying”. I needed this reminder tonight. I was in my self-pity mood about a half hour before. Let me run you through my day of events. How a great day went to negative feelings and then to this.

First I was so NOT in the mood for another brain MRI. Here we go again is all I thought. I was tired and just not feeling it. I was somewhat worried yesterday but I said my prayers and that was that. Simple. No, not for someone like me. I have had anxiety where I just do not want to go anywhere, talk to people, touch doors, or just about anything. So sometimes this I’ve allowed to get in my way of “living life”. I ended up texting a good friend to drive me instead of myself driving. I needed the accountability partly to get this one hour MRI done plus chat with a friend I have not chatted with in a while. It actually turned out great! The open MRI room was gorgeous. I felt like I was on a vacation just upon entering. I think the idea is to release the anxiety and stress patients generally feel. Kudos to Rush-Copley Imaging Center in Naperville!!

Part One of my day complete.

Next onto waiting for AT&T to fix my internet. I ended up becoming a new internet customer of theirs. I found a terrific deal and I received my box to hook it up in the mail yesterday. Well, things were not connecting well. Low and behold when the tech got here he found out it had to do with how the order was placed. They thought it was just one house. We live in a house that is split in half. So, I apologized because I could have clarified my info upon ordering and when I called to see what to do upon setting the new equipment. AT&T were extremely awesome! They communicated with me when they were coming via text and email. Excellent customer service as well.

Sometimes in life we complain about customer service but was there something we could have done to communicate things better on our end. In life I have had to learn this before jumping the gun numerous times.

New internet set up and ready to roll.

I did receive news I actually expected personally. But my heart was kind of broken. I began to send a text message to someone and I said to him, I quit. I was so upset. I had my feelings, I expressed them, and I did not do anything else. Oh wait, yes I did I wallowed in my own self pity as usual. Why was I so darn upset over this? Because in the back of my head, my heart, and my soul I was hoping for a “YES”. But I was not prepared and I did not really put much effort into it this year. I just wanted to try to wish for the stars. Hmmmm, reality bites sometimes doesn’t it?

Here’s what put me into perspective shortly after I said my prayer. I was looking on Facebook at my memories and up came this photo that probably has been shared for who knows how long on my page. It is titled, “I Was Dying”. In a way “I Was Dying” to be recognized for something rather than just living it out. It is not about recognition in life. It is about how we see the big picture and not do things to ACT/SHOW we are better than someone when we really are not.

I do believe though you also need to be careful about falsifying someone’s talents, gifts, and knack for skills and abilities. You never ever should send someone on a wild goose chase if it is not worth it. Maybe direct them in a better path positively.

So I do feel better but I feel that I did not give my “A” game and that is my fault. I accept the responsibility. Oh being a grown up at 46 can be so complicated and over dramatic sometimes. Oh well!

I am truly grateful for this quick lesson God reminded me of. I hope you all of a “FABULOUS FRIDAY”!!

 

It’s Been Five Years

Wow! Time really flies by, doesn’t it? It has been five years today since my mom passed away. I feel like I never will forget the day’s entirety. My mom had suffered cancer for many years on and off. I have no clue how she did it. I cannot imagine her pain and suffering as I am not her.

The Thursday just before Memorial Day my mom went in to see her oncologist. I went with her. We both knew inside that it was the last time. We even spoke about it. He admitted her for more tests and all the logistics he needed to do to see where he could go with a Stage 4 Lung Cancer patient. The next day Friday he said, “It is time for Hospice.” Mom knew that and yet he still needed to say that. She needed his formal statement basically. My daughter’s came to the hospital after school that day. I told them what was happening. They were like, “Hasn’t Grandma been dying for years?” Well this was a bit more formal now. It was set in stone, time to plan the funeral per se. My mom said, “Discharge me now!” Of course she should be. What the heck are the meds going to do via IV fluids to help her. You see my mom suffered this cancer for many years. So mom came home that night. Within a week Hospice came and we began about 6 months of a new life.

She lived about 6 months with this horrendous disease that takes over your body. I worked home care jobs as a CNA so I could be around for my mom’s last moments. It helped me be there for the kids more to deal with this. She did not live her last 6 months sitting down. No sir! My mom was always a fighter but she deserved to live her last days “ALIVE”! She did what she could when she could. We had friends and family visit at times. Her last couple months of life you knew it was happening but it was hard to accept.

My mom’s last meal was Portillo’s ribs! Bless her heart, she tried her best to eat them. As time went on it was hard for mom to eat anything. My neighbor’s little girls across the street were such a blessing. I was so blessed for them to be there. I remember two days before she died, it was a Wednesday afternoon and Lucy was over making my mom laugh! It was so inspiring. She loved to hear her stories. She loved to talk with Maya, such an intelligent little girl my mom always said.

October 14, 2011 my daughter’s head off to school. Stephanie was a senior and Elizabeth was a sophomore. Dad said to me it doesn’t look good. The look in his eyes I will never forget. I have tears in my eyes right now feeling that exact moment in time. I will never understand how my dad went through this since I am not him. I told my mom, “I love you mommy.” And her last words to me were, “I love you.” Why I said mommy I never really understood until years later. I never had a mommy most my life. I was kidnapped at age 7 and recovered at age 15. And there I was at age 41 losing her.

The Hospice nurse came and said, “Anytime now.” She told me to call the school and get the girl’s home so they can spend their last moments with their Grandma. I know the nurse had a tear in her eye. How can you not have her job and not be affected? She and my mom had so many similarities. They would have a blast. They were the same age. I would join them and have a great time. We all needed it.

The Chaplain from Hospice came and said she will not make it through the night. I knew it inside my heart. My mom did not want to die in the dark at night. My mom’s best friends came over and family as soon as they could. My mom’s youngest brother drove his truck over, moments later she passed. Mom was waiting for him. My mom died at 5pm on October 14, 2011.

God knew what he was doing. You see my daughters were cheerleaders in high school. Normally they cheer on Friday night. How ironic that they ended up playing an away game on Saturday morning at a field that does not have lights? God always has a plan. Even though we hurt with this horrible loss. I was so sad and could not sleep. I felt my right toe, the big one getting touched the night she died when I was in bed. It was like her way of saying goodbye but looking and feeling healthy.

I will never forget that day as I will love my mom forever, no matter the fights we have had. But we always made up for those fights. I would go back and say, “You know mom you are right.” Or even she has admitted, “I was wrong, maybe we should do this.” Sometimes when we love someone we get all crazy and goofy and say things we do not mean. Why? I honestly do not know. We just want what is best for our loved ones. We just want our children to make the best decisions ever. Usually because in our past we have made poor choices.

October 14 will always be a day dedicated to my mom. Now she has my dad up in Heaven with her, her brother, and her mom. She went up to Heaven to see her daddy. The things God does for us. I don’t think my mom could have handled my Uncle’s sudden passing, along with my dad’s illness, and Grandma’s sudden illness. God planned this for her. Just like he did for Grandpa. I know easier said than done.

Every day is a gift and I am going to enjoy it!

 

Keep Holding On….

I believe in that you can “keep holding on” to those fabulous memories of your loved ones, and to use the words as encouragement as well. There are many statements and words that we can define in many aspects.

First let’s look at the “GOOD MEMORIES”! Always remember those, whether that person is on this earth anymore or not. I have a friend who lost her daughter to suicide. I love how she cherishes her beautiful daughter. She is representing the life her daughter had even though the last days were so dark for her baby girl. It is very unimaginable for any parent to lose a child, whether it be a serious illness, sudden accident, or suicide. We as a community of friends and family need to respect and love them. They are going through something unbelievable. God needs them to be lifted, not brought down. So “hold on” to your beautiful memories and NEVER apologize for loving your child.

399117_3651139318924_2112532834_n.jpg

 

We all need to “hold on” to something. We are feeling distraught and in pain. We need to encourage one another and help build up our brothers and sisters in Christ. Inspiration is the best we can do!!

Many of you may think of Avril Lavinge’s song, “Keep Holding On”. I have enjoyed that song as well. So think of “HOLDING ON” to what is best for you to grow in life, not bring you down. Ignore the negative comments. Know in your heart of hearts what is right.

c6c08ead3ccf4666bd9395f651b47e95

255578_3648894982817_1648719412_n.jpg