Many people think they can comprehend suicide. Their thoughts on someone committing suicide is they are weak and losers, etc. I do not care for those words. To be honest any human being is close enough to be close enough. You may not know what each individual is really going through.
The human being that commits suicide does not always look super happy or rather sad. The day/night before they could go out for a good time and you would never have seen it coming. It kills your heart when you lose your parent, sibling, child, and we could go on. You wonder how I know?
Let me tell you my story, not many people know what I struggle with. But I want to help you.
I have thought suicide for your one true love was special, like Romeo and Juliet. I was in school in the 80’s when we were reading about that. I doubt we did much discussion on a suicide pact. I do hope and that schools of any sect/organization discuss this. There needs to be an open door policy.
My high years were not the best for me. I was made fun of, I really did not have many friends come over, hang out with, or even have a date, nonetheless. One day I went to the guidance and counseling office at school. I mentioned how I am so tired of life, how depressed I feel, that I felt like death. They called my parents and I was completely embarrassed. I feel that could have been dealt with better judgement. They knew my background and history. I told them if I could I would swallow Tylenol to die but I would have to chew each one since I could not swallow them back then. I felt like a joke to my parents. And that’s exactly what I became in my family.
I have had years of depression and anxiety. I have thought about suicide numerous times. I even called my pharmacy to ask, “how many pills is too many to take?” It took him a minute to say, “whoa, wait a minute here.” I would say, “I am just in so much pain and not sure what else to do.” To be honest I was at that time in too much pain but had no clue how to fix it.
I am 47 years old and still struggle daily with different issues in my life. Not just physical and health issues. But my strongest enemy is my mental illness. I have BiPolar Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD. I think that covers it.I finaly have the right doctor’s in order for me. It is an answered prayer. I knew something was wrong and I could not quite figure some things out. I knew about the depression/anxiety and PTSD. But so glad it all makes sense now. After 47 years of life I know why I have ups and downs. I know why I have not been that stable at times. Oh I am not saying this is an excuse to work but it makes sense of my years past. I finally started medication in December 2016. It is going to take time but worth it in this journey. And yes there are moments I feel like I should not be on this earth. I have been told, “why don’t you go and kill yourself”. That’s the most ignorant thing to tell a person ever.Even today I felt like is this ALL worth it here on earth? No one really talks to me. I have no family for holidays, family please move on with me.
I know I have made many mistakes in my 47 years of life. but the last 5 years of life I have struggled daily if it was worth it. I prayed and prayed to rid this enemy out of my life. And not it will never be perfect. I see my therapist weekly and if need be twice a week. I see a psychiatrist for my meds once a month, my primary doctor once a month, and I have a case manager come over to my house weekly to see how I am doing. I do not like leaving my home. It is really hard for me. It really is. But these are things to help me.
I hope you have someone you can talk to. Whether it be a service at your job, school, church, therapist, friend, etc. But there might be that time you need to speak with a professional.